One Month...30 Days...

...a life time...

...be prepared: these will truly be mixed up musings...much of my thinking is these days.

I found a website that is for child-loss that also had wonderful things for grandparents...I only wish I could find something for grieving aunts...there's nothing out there (that I've been able to find so far) for me...and we (J&D's sisters) are heartbroken too~not just for Demetri but for J&D too.

I have had nightmares that Teag dies too. Honestly, I couldn't go on if that happened, but I know it's just that fear of more loss raising it's ugly head. On the other hand, thank God for Teag & the sweet joy she brings.

And yet with her 1st steps & beginning to really talk, her wonder over the glittering mystery that is Christmas in all its wrappings, there's that bittersweet sharp intake of breath with the thought that Demetri will never be doing this. He will never shake with joy when I walk in the door like she does; he will never want to try to walk into my arms. We will never cuddle up together & read the books I've bought for him. He will never fullfil all the dreams we had for him & it sucks.

But I would not trade knowing him~even if ever so briefly~in order to take away the pain. I'd rather endure the pain, the heartache, the dull throb that is always lurking around the corner during those "normal" moments...than to have never known him at all.

I love you, Demetri. I will never forget you...I will always speak your name with love. You will never cease to exist even while you are not here with us physically.