Milestones

Dearest baby boy,

It's been 1 year...12 months...365 days...A blink in time...An eternity, since our lives were shattered by your unexpected death, my sweet little nephew.

I was so excited for your birth...so excited to be your auntie. When we learned that your heart had stopped, I wanted to scream & scream & scream...but I didn't. It was internalized. The silent scream. We gathered together here in WA so far from you and your mama & daddy. We were so grateful that your Uncle Michael and Auntie Janelle were there with them. And we were so scared that we were not just going to lose you, but your mommy as well. We felt so helpless being so far away.

Over this past year, there were times I thought our family would fall apart from grief. The holidays were numbing. We were grieving for you but wanted them to be special for your cousin Teagan. Without knowing it Teagan was a great part of our healing. She helped us laugh again. She reminded us to love deeply instead of guarding our hearts tightly against the pain in this world.

However, with every milestone she reached (first holidays, walking, talking, exploring life) there was a little bit of me that would reflect with sadness that you would never have these milestones. Instead, you will have yearly anniversaries...different kinds milestones.

For instance, this summer your Gramma & I planted a rose bush in your honor. Your cousin helped us. It's a beautiful climbing rose called "Joseph's Coat." Its blossoms are amazing: they were yellow, then pinkish, then orange. Vibrant. Incredible.

  

There is a special time of night~dusk really~when the sky turns the most amazing blue. It is during this time that the first star appears. It is brilliant. It's probably really  a planet~ but what do I know? I think of this as your star; your sky. I often sit on the front porch during that time and think of you...talk to you. (Yeah, yeah, your Auntie M is a little crazy.) And I talk to God~sometimes asking him (once again) "Why?!" Sometimes thanking him that you are with him & that we can find hope in knowing that, one day, we will all be reunited with you.

Your mama & daddy moved up here in May. We are so glad to have them close by. And someday you will be a big brother. Your siblings will be so loved~but they will not replace you. I hope they will know how much we all love their big brother.

Today, Gramma & I went to the river to scatter some of the dried petals from your rose bush to honor you.

It was a grey day, a little chilly. The park was relatively empty and we got to spend quite some time alone on the bridge. We spent a lot of that time in silence~with just the sound of the water and birds, and nature surrounding us. The water was very calm. After feeling for such a long time that we were being tossed about in an ocean, the stillness was very peaceful. It was a good place to reflect. To feel at peace.

A year ago, our lives were shattered. A year later, we are mending. We will always miss you. Always love you. Never forget you. ♥

Love,

Your Auntie M