One Month...30 Days...

...a life time...

...be prepared: these will truly be mixed up musings...much of my thinking is these days.

I found a website that is for child-loss that also had wonderful things for grandparents...I only wish I could find something for grieving aunts...there's nothing out there (that I've been able to find so far) for me...and we (J&D's sisters) are heartbroken too~not just for Demetri but for J&D too.

I have had nightmares that Teag dies too. Honestly, I couldn't go on if that happened, but I know it's just that fear of more loss raising it's ugly head. On the other hand, thank God for Teag & the sweet joy she brings.

And yet with her 1st steps & beginning to really talk, her wonder over the glittering mystery that is Christmas in all its wrappings, there's that bittersweet sharp intake of breath with the thought that Demetri will never be doing this. He will never shake with joy when I walk in the door like she does; he will never want to try to walk into my arms. We will never cuddle up together & read the books I've bought for him. He will never fullfil all the dreams we had for him & it sucks.

But I would not trade knowing him~even if ever so briefly~in order to take away the pain. I'd rather endure the pain, the heartache, the dull throb that is always lurking around the corner during those "normal" moments...than to have never known him at all.

I love you, Demetri. I will never forget you...I will always speak your name with love. You will never cease to exist even while you are not here with us physically.

Watch Out World!

Make sure your volume is up for this one......

There's no stopping her now!!!

The Wonder of It All

Ah.....to have that innocent, child-like wonder again.

Walk With Me

Come, walk with me, my friend,
I'll hold your hand.
This journey is not one to understand.
There is no sorting out
Chaff from the wheat.
We have to take the bitter with the sweet.

Come, walk with me,
Along the trail of tears.
We'll share our heartbreak, and our hopes and fears.
This trail is not designed
To walk alone.
But we will make discoveries of our own.

Come, walk with me, my friend,
We'll share the load
Up every hill and down the rugged road.
No map to show the route
Or tell how far.
No compass points the way, or guiding star.

Come, walk with me,
And I will walk with you.
Perhaps we two will find a better view.
Perhaps the trail,
Though thorny on the feet,
Wll widen for two sorrowed hearts to meet.

Come, walk with me
Through brambled vine and thorn.
Step over stones that leave hearts ripped and torn.
The walk is never easy,
That is true.
But you will walk with me, and I with you.

~Gwen Flowers

I Had No Idea...

...that my heart could hurt this much....but appparently, it can.

Words Cannot Express...and yet...

Please don't tell them you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn't seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the perfect teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.
~Author Unknown

"Breathe.
Listen for my footfall in your heart.
I am not gone but merely walk within you."

~Nicholas Evans, From "The Smoke Jumper," Copyright, 2001

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

~Kahlil Gibran